Penance
by giacinta
Summary: This is a rather sad story with a CHARACTER DEATH. It does end happily enough I suppose, but it's a bit rocky getting there.


Penance.

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X

We always knew it was going to happen one day.

Hell, Dean was always babbling on about how we would never live to grow old; how the life would kill us before we ever got to pensionable age, but even although you live with the understanding that your world can turn upside down in the blink of an eye, you're just never really gonna be prepared for it, I guess.

X

It was a frigging routine hunt; a couple of tacky vampires, the kind that Dean and I would have taken out with one hand tied behind our backs but when Dean moved from my side at lightning speed to stand in front of me, I knew he had picked up some danger that I hadn't.

He just couldn't help himself; he had stepped between me and danger his whole life and despite all my bitching about being a big boy and being able to look after myself, the concept just wouldn't sink in to his big brother wiring, and that's why he took the crossbow bolt that was meant for me.

X

I must have gone berserk at the sight of his falling body, but in truth I had no memory of taking out the two vamps, although I must have, for later when I came to my senses they were sprawled headless on the dirty ground.

X

All I could remember was throwing myself to my knees and cradling Dean's head in my arms.

He was still hanging on by a thread, although anyone else would have been dead with such a wound to the chest, but he didn't want to leave me and his stubbornness was all that was keeping him here.

He looked up at me as the tears bubbled up in my eyes, his own full of love and affection, the love and affection that he had only for me, who was so undeserving of it, but which he had so unselfishly lavished on me all his life.

My freakin' brother was trying to comfort me, and with the ultimate thread of his life-force he smiled, and 'Sammy' was the last word that passed his lips.

The tears poured down my face as I watched his eyes lose all that made him DEAN; that made him my big brother.

X

I was thirty years old, a man to all intents and purposes, but the wails that came from my throat were those of a forlorn lonely little boy who had just lost the only good thing that had made his life worth living.

I lay down next to Dean and cradled his body in my arms, my crying exhausting itself and turning into a mournful lament.

X

The hours passed as we lay there, life and death cradled together, and yet I didn't move; I couldn't, but I would have to break away from him; I would have to burn his body.

This time I knew there would be no coming back, no selling of souls. Dean had made that clear back when we were hunting a vamped-up Gordon Walker.

He had insisted that if any one of us died, we hadn't to consign ourselves to any of those sons of bitches out there, be they demonic or angelic!

The temptation was strong, almost overwhelming, to take myself off to the nearest crossroads and deal, but I knew I wouldn't, not this time. For once in my life, I would respect my big brother's wishes.

I had seen Dean die so many times, but I vowed that this would be the last; this time he would be at peace.

X

As for me, worthless Sam Winchester, I toyed with the idea of putting a gun to my head and taking the easy way out but I wasn't going to, for everything was my fault; if I had never been born then Dean wouldn't have had to suffer through all this.

He would have had a normal life with loving parents, and not a crappy one with a demon-blood brother and an obsessed sergeant-major of a father.

No, it was right and fair that I should suffer and without Dean by my side, I surely would.

I hoped I lived a long life, so that my Hell on Earth would last as long as possible.

X

I clutched tighter, one last time, before letting go of the mortal remains of my beloved big brother.

I had no idea if the demon-blood was still coursing through my veins but as I lifted Dean's body gently in my arms, I knew that my humanity had gone.

I was empty, void; the tears that were drying on my face would be the last I would ever shed.

I would kill as many supernatural creatures as I could before I became too old or too careless to dodge a claw or a ghost.

That was the penance I had assigned myself; payback for the pain my very existence had caused my brother, and I was determined to suffer through every moment of it.

As for Dean's soul, I hoped it was in some corner of Heaven where he could enjoy everything that he hadn't been able to on Earth.

I placed him in the back seat of the Impala and turned her towards Sioux Falls.

Neither Bobby nor the house were there but I knew Dean would have liked a send off in a place that he had felt was home.

X

X

X

When death came and my blood stained the ground from the many wounds on my body, I thanked fate that it had finally happened.

I had lived the long life I had asked for, and suffered as I had wanted. I had done my penance and as my last breath left my torn body I smiled, just as Dean had that day, so many years ago.

X

X

X

I opened my eyes warily; I knew there was an after-life but the doubt had always been there as to whether a lot of what we had seen beyond the veil was completely true, or if there had been hallucinations thrown in there too.

I shivered; I knew that Hell and the Cage were real but I wasn't as sure about Heaven. Angels were dicks and not to be trusted. At least you knew where you stood with demons, but I needn't have worried.

X

"Well, Sasquatch, you sure took your freakin' time getting here," a well-remembered voice teased.

"I've been waiting here forever for your skinny ass to arrive."

X

I turned and there he was; my brother; looking better than ever, young and smirky like he used to, leaning against the Impala, smiling at me as only he can.

X

I had been true to my word and ne'er a tear had fallen from my eyes all the terrible years I had been on my own, but now they came out like a rushing tide as I threw myself onto him and felt his arms go round me like they used to when I was a kid.

"Same old Sammy," I heard him say. "You always were a big girl" But I could hear the emotion in his voice and the tremors of his body as he held me. He had missed me as much as I had missed him.

Ash had been right. Some got to share a heaven and here no-one could tear us apart any more.

X

We were dead; who the hell cared!

Eternity stretched before us, and I knew that we would ramble on together.

"Come on Sammy. My baby's all new and shiny and she wants to show herself off. Get in and we'll go for a ride."

I looked down at my 'body'. and brought my hands to my face. There were no wrinkles or scars, it was baby-bottom smooth.

I was young again. I was with my brother. I was truly in Heaven.

X

The End.


End file.
